Be a Storyteller, Not Just a Speaker
Word Count:
240
Summary:
Stories develop themes. The themes chosen to illustrate the possibility of stories are: Relationships, Choice, Creativity, Making a Difference, Celebration.
Keywords:
fear, public, speaking, speak, speech, coach, coaching, business, professional, organization, motivate, confident, corporate, executive, effective, national, personal, achievement, success, group
Article Body:
Stories develop themes. The themes chosen to illustrate the possibility of stories are:
Relationships, Choice, Creativity, Making a Difference, Celebration.
Speakers are ordinarily people, from teachers to grandparents, from mountain climbers to cancer survivors. The platform provides them with a privilege and awesome responsibility to share their stories in a way that helps the audience to “wake up.” Good stories make people say, “Wait a minute. I can think or act differently about everything than I did before.” Stories are everywhere. Speakers learn to retrieve them and retell them to audiences as a way to show their humanness to show they care; to open people to possibility thinking and how making mistakes will lead to the courage to finally help them succeed. Because most of us delineate our thoughts visually, great stories help to enhance and even transform our lives.
Be unique. Think funny thoughts. Live and re-live your story when you are telling a story. Words are critical so be sure to pause when necessary and BE IN THE NOW. Your words need to create an image in the audience’s mind so that they can remember your story. They may be a step away from their own story. This will strengthen the connection between you and them.
It’s a good idea to use props to enhance your humor. Remember most people have an attention span of six to eight minutes.
The Coach asks… what is your story?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Assist the Universe In Manifesting Your Desires
Assist the Universe In Manifesting Your Desires
Word Count:
429
Summary:
Even though we sometimes feel like we understand all the concepts of manifesting, it just doesn't seem to be working. How can I assist the Universe in making it happen?
Keywords:
manifest, take action
Article Body:
So you think understand the principles of manifesting but you cannot explain why these things are not coming to you. You believe that we create our reality. You understand the laws of attraction, and believe that what we think about we attract into our experience. You have even been practicing these principles, that is, when you remember to. When you think about it, you are repeating affirmations such as: My perfect relationship is available and I deserve to have it. My income level is constantly increasing. Okay, then, why is that perfect relationship or more income not what you’re experiencing?
You may be trying to blame your parents for instilling some limiting belief that money is bad or that there is something spiritual about suffering. It really doesn’t matter where some of your beliefs come from or how many of them you have. There is a way around this. You need to focus on the beliefs that do serve you better such as: The Universe is full of abundance. The Universe wants to bring my desires to me. Even the Bible says, Ask and it shall be given.
You may be feeling unworthy. If you don’t think that you deserve to be happy and successful, how can you possibly create that in your life? Remember again, that the Bible tells us that all things are possible.
You keep waiting. Okay, so you are 1) believing that it IS possible to have all you desire. And, 2) you are now feeling worthy. You feel like you have done your part and now you are just waiting for the Universe (or God, if you prefer) to fulfill those desires. There is another little piece here that could perhaps be the missing link. Take action. But wait a minute here you say. I thought that I just have to ask and know that the Universe will supply, and presto! it appears. Let’s see how taking action can assist in this process.
When you take action, any action in the direction of your desire, you are showing the Universe that you are serious. It also facilitates the process because you have focused your attention on your action instead of your waiting. This action need not be huge earth-shattering stuff. This action can come from feeling of inspiration, intuition, or even coincidental events. One very important thing to keep in mind when you do take action: be sure to feel good about it, about yourself and what you want beforehand. Now you know how to assist the Universe in fulfilling your dreams.
Word Count:
429
Summary:
Even though we sometimes feel like we understand all the concepts of manifesting, it just doesn't seem to be working. How can I assist the Universe in making it happen?
Keywords:
manifest, take action
Article Body:
So you think understand the principles of manifesting but you cannot explain why these things are not coming to you. You believe that we create our reality. You understand the laws of attraction, and believe that what we think about we attract into our experience. You have even been practicing these principles, that is, when you remember to. When you think about it, you are repeating affirmations such as: My perfect relationship is available and I deserve to have it. My income level is constantly increasing. Okay, then, why is that perfect relationship or more income not what you’re experiencing?
You may be trying to blame your parents for instilling some limiting belief that money is bad or that there is something spiritual about suffering. It really doesn’t matter where some of your beliefs come from or how many of them you have. There is a way around this. You need to focus on the beliefs that do serve you better such as: The Universe is full of abundance. The Universe wants to bring my desires to me. Even the Bible says, Ask and it shall be given.
You may be feeling unworthy. If you don’t think that you deserve to be happy and successful, how can you possibly create that in your life? Remember again, that the Bible tells us that all things are possible.
You keep waiting. Okay, so you are 1) believing that it IS possible to have all you desire. And, 2) you are now feeling worthy. You feel like you have done your part and now you are just waiting for the Universe (or God, if you prefer) to fulfill those desires. There is another little piece here that could perhaps be the missing link. Take action. But wait a minute here you say. I thought that I just have to ask and know that the Universe will supply, and presto! it appears. Let’s see how taking action can assist in this process.
When you take action, any action in the direction of your desire, you are showing the Universe that you are serious. It also facilitates the process because you have focused your attention on your action instead of your waiting. This action need not be huge earth-shattering stuff. This action can come from feeling of inspiration, intuition, or even coincidental events. One very important thing to keep in mind when you do take action: be sure to feel good about it, about yourself and what you want beforehand. Now you know how to assist the Universe in fulfilling your dreams.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Are You Invisible?
Are You Invisible?
Word Count:
759
Summary:
Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.
Keywords:
self improvement, self help, visibility, attraction, self confidence
Article Body:
Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.
When Ellen’s feelings and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren’t important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.
The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen’s health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.
Many of us have learned to be invisible – to ourselves and to others. What are some of the ways you create invisibility?
* Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?
* Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?
* Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?
* Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?
* Do you put aside your own opinions and accept the opinions of others to be accepted?
* Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse the behavior?
* Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?
* Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock the boat?
* Are you carrying too much of the load at home or at work, without complaint?
* Do you pretend to like a food, a movie, a topic of conversation, or sex, rather than run the risk of disapproval or rejection?
* Do you allow yourself to be violated in any way – physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually – to avoid rejection?
* Do you allow others’ anger or bullying to control you into doing what they want?
* Do you do everything yourself, never asking others for help?
How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued? How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?
If your own feelings and needs are invisible to yourself, they will end up being invisible to others. It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.
If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself. You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others’ anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won’t like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.
It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued. It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.
It must start with yourself – with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for yourself regarding your own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!
Word Count:
759
Summary:
Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.
Keywords:
self improvement, self help, visibility, attraction, self confidence
Article Body:
Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.
When Ellen’s feelings and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren’t important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.
The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen’s health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.
Many of us have learned to be invisible – to ourselves and to others. What are some of the ways you create invisibility?
* Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?
* Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?
* Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?
* Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?
* Do you put aside your own opinions and accept the opinions of others to be accepted?
* Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse the behavior?
* Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?
* Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock the boat?
* Are you carrying too much of the load at home or at work, without complaint?
* Do you pretend to like a food, a movie, a topic of conversation, or sex, rather than run the risk of disapproval or rejection?
* Do you allow yourself to be violated in any way – physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually – to avoid rejection?
* Do you allow others’ anger or bullying to control you into doing what they want?
* Do you do everything yourself, never asking others for help?
How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued? How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?
If your own feelings and needs are invisible to yourself, they will end up being invisible to others. It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.
If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself. You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others’ anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won’t like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.
It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued. It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.
It must start with yourself – with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for yourself regarding your own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!
Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
Word Count:
852
Summary:
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, “You’ve got to lose weight,” or “You should get up earlier every morning and exercise,” or “Today I should get caught up on the bills,” or “I’ve got to get rid of this clutter.” Let’s explore what happens in response to this voice.
Keywords:
self improvement, coaching, self discipline, goals, psychology
Article Body:
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, “You’ve got to lose weight,” or “You should get up earlier every morning and exercise,” or “Today I should get caught up on the bills,” or “I’ve got to get rid of this clutter.” Let’s explore what happens in response to this voice.
We have a very good reason for judging ourselves: the judgmental part of us believes that by judging, criticizing, “shoulding” ourselves, we will motivate ourselves to take action and therefore protect against failure or rejection. We may have been judging ourselves to get ourselves to do things “right” since we were kids, hoping to keep ourselves in line. And we keep on doing it because we believe it works.
Let’s take the example of Karl, who is a high-powered executive in a large accounting firm. Karl has had a heart attack and is supposed to watch his diet. Right after his heart attack, he did well avoiding sugar, fats, and overeating, but after six months or so, he found himself struggling with his food plan. In our counseling session, Karl told me he was upset with himself for having a big desert as well as a big meal the night before. I asked Karl to put himself back into the situation and recreate what he had been feeling.
“Well, I was out to dinner with one of our biggest clients. He asked me a question and I didn’t remember the facts, so I couldn’t answer him. As soon as this happened, that voice came into my head telling me that I’m stupid, that I should have remembered it and ‘What’s the matter with me anyway?’”
“What did you feel as soon as you judged yourself?” I asked.
“Well, looking back, I think I felt that sad, sort of dark empty hollow feeling I often get inside. And you know what - that’s when I started to eat a lot of bread with tons of butter and ordered the desert! I didn’t realize it was in response to that empty feeling that I hate!”
“So the sad empty feeling is what you feel when you judge yourself. Judging yourself is an inner abandonment, so your Inner Child then feels alone, sad and empty. You are telling your Child that he is not good enough. I know that you don’t do this with your actual children, but you do it a lot with yourself, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I think it do it all the time. After I judged myself for not knowing the answer, then I judged myself for eating too much and having desert. And then I felt even worse.”
“So what did you hope for by judging yourself?
“I guess I hoped that I could control my eating and also get myself to work harder so I wouldn’t forget things.”
“It doesn’t seem to be working.”
“No, it just makes me feel terrible. In fact, I can see that judging myself for not knowing the answer made me feel so badly that then I wanted to eat more. Instead of giving me more control, it gave me less!”
“So you are trying to have control over yourself through your self-judgments, but what actually happens is that you feel awful and behave in addictive ways to avoid the pain. I think what also happens is that some part of you goes into resistance to being judged and told what to do, so you end up doing the opposite of what you tell yourself you should do.”
“Right. As soon as I tell myself not to eat so much and judge myself for eating, that’s when I really want to eat. So I’m eating to not be controlled and also because in judging myself I’m abandoning myself, which makes me feel sad and empty, and I’ve always used food to fill up that emptiness. Whew! How do I stop this cycle?”
“You can’t stop it until you are conscious of it. As long as you are doing it unconsciously - on automatic pilot - you have no choice over it. So the first thing you can do is not try to change it but just notice it. As you become very aware of this pattern, you will have the choice to change it. You will have the choice to be loving and caring toward yourself instead of judgmental once you become aware of what you are doing. You can start by noticing every time you feel that empty sad feeling, and then exploring what you were telling yourself that led to the painful feeling.”
Karl did start to notice and over time was able to stop judging himself. Not only did the sad empty feeling that he had experienced so often in his life go away, but he was able to keep to his medical nutrition plan for his heart. When his Inner Child felt loved instead of judged, he didn’t need to eat to take away the pain.
Word Count:
852
Summary:
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, “You’ve got to lose weight,” or “You should get up earlier every morning and exercise,” or “Today I should get caught up on the bills,” or “I’ve got to get rid of this clutter.” Let’s explore what happens in response to this voice.
Keywords:
self improvement, coaching, self discipline, goals, psychology
Article Body:
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, “You’ve got to lose weight,” or “You should get up earlier every morning and exercise,” or “Today I should get caught up on the bills,” or “I’ve got to get rid of this clutter.” Let’s explore what happens in response to this voice.
We have a very good reason for judging ourselves: the judgmental part of us believes that by judging, criticizing, “shoulding” ourselves, we will motivate ourselves to take action and therefore protect against failure or rejection. We may have been judging ourselves to get ourselves to do things “right” since we were kids, hoping to keep ourselves in line. And we keep on doing it because we believe it works.
Let’s take the example of Karl, who is a high-powered executive in a large accounting firm. Karl has had a heart attack and is supposed to watch his diet. Right after his heart attack, he did well avoiding sugar, fats, and overeating, but after six months or so, he found himself struggling with his food plan. In our counseling session, Karl told me he was upset with himself for having a big desert as well as a big meal the night before. I asked Karl to put himself back into the situation and recreate what he had been feeling.
“Well, I was out to dinner with one of our biggest clients. He asked me a question and I didn’t remember the facts, so I couldn’t answer him. As soon as this happened, that voice came into my head telling me that I’m stupid, that I should have remembered it and ‘What’s the matter with me anyway?’”
“What did you feel as soon as you judged yourself?” I asked.
“Well, looking back, I think I felt that sad, sort of dark empty hollow feeling I often get inside. And you know what - that’s when I started to eat a lot of bread with tons of butter and ordered the desert! I didn’t realize it was in response to that empty feeling that I hate!”
“So the sad empty feeling is what you feel when you judge yourself. Judging yourself is an inner abandonment, so your Inner Child then feels alone, sad and empty. You are telling your Child that he is not good enough. I know that you don’t do this with your actual children, but you do it a lot with yourself, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I think it do it all the time. After I judged myself for not knowing the answer, then I judged myself for eating too much and having desert. And then I felt even worse.”
“So what did you hope for by judging yourself?
“I guess I hoped that I could control my eating and also get myself to work harder so I wouldn’t forget things.”
“It doesn’t seem to be working.”
“No, it just makes me feel terrible. In fact, I can see that judging myself for not knowing the answer made me feel so badly that then I wanted to eat more. Instead of giving me more control, it gave me less!”
“So you are trying to have control over yourself through your self-judgments, but what actually happens is that you feel awful and behave in addictive ways to avoid the pain. I think what also happens is that some part of you goes into resistance to being judged and told what to do, so you end up doing the opposite of what you tell yourself you should do.”
“Right. As soon as I tell myself not to eat so much and judge myself for eating, that’s when I really want to eat. So I’m eating to not be controlled and also because in judging myself I’m abandoning myself, which makes me feel sad and empty, and I’ve always used food to fill up that emptiness. Whew! How do I stop this cycle?”
“You can’t stop it until you are conscious of it. As long as you are doing it unconsciously - on automatic pilot - you have no choice over it. So the first thing you can do is not try to change it but just notice it. As you become very aware of this pattern, you will have the choice to change it. You will have the choice to be loving and caring toward yourself instead of judgmental once you become aware of what you are doing. You can start by noticing every time you feel that empty sad feeling, and then exploring what you were telling yourself that led to the painful feeling.”
Karl did start to notice and over time was able to stop judging himself. Not only did the sad empty feeling that he had experienced so often in his life go away, but he was able to keep to his medical nutrition plan for his heart. When his Inner Child felt loved instead of judged, he didn’t need to eat to take away the pain.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Are You Addicted To Your Activities?
Are You Addicted To Your Activities?
Word Count:
740
Summary:
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?
Keywords:
addictions, addictives, self improvement, coaching, bad habit
Article Body:
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?
* Angie would surf the channels whenever she felt stressed or alone.
* Karen would lose herself in a book when things felt overwhelming.
* Keith would retreat and meditate when his wife wanted to talk.
* Patty’s work schedule left her little time at home.
* Carl spent more time in the garage fixing things than with his family.
* Patrick’s love of running was interfering with his family time.
Whether or not an activity is an addiction depends upon your INTENT.
* When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of aloneness and loneliness, it is an addiction.
* When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of rejection or the fear of domination, it is an addiction.
* When the intent of an activity is to put off doing something you don’t really want to do but need to do, it is an addiction.
Whenever an activity is used as a way to avoid something - painful feelings, difficult or boring tasks - it becomes an addiction. It’s really no different than using substances such alcohol, drugs, or food to avoid painful feelings or challenging tasks. The problem with using addictions to avoid painful feelings is that the feelings don’t actually go away. They are just numbed for the moment but are silently eroding one’s sense of self. We can get away with it only for so long before it shows up in some way - illness, divorce, depression, and so on. And avoiding tasks means that the tasks pile up, eventually causing the very stress we want to avoid. Our society is filled with ways to avoid. Yet it is avoidance that leads to the very feelings we are striving to avoid!
When the intent of an activity is to take loving care of yourself by providing yourself with fun, creativity and expression, relaxation, personal growth, spiritual growth, physical health and well-being, then it is a loving action rather than an addiction. It all depends on your INTENT.
Next time you want to participate in your favorite activity, you might want to notice your intent. Do you want to relax and watch TV or are you avoiding some difficult feeling or task? Do you find yourself scheduling more work than you can really handle to avoid dealing with aloneness, loneliness, or conflict with a mate, or are you really loving your work and feeling fulfilled by it? Are you exercising to support your health or to avoid feelings?
Once you become aware of using an activity to avoid, here’s what you can do about it:
1. Welcome the feeling you are trying so hard to avoid. Pay attention to the feeling - fear, loneliness, aloneness, agitation, boredom, anxiety.
2. Make a decision to learn what YOU might be doing to cause this feeling rather than continuing to avoid it.
3. Explore what you might be doing to cause this feeling. How are you not taking care of yourself that is causing your painful feeling? Are you procrastinating, judging yourself, or not standing up for yourself in conflict? How are you avoiding responsibility for your own well-being? Are you allowing yourself to be a victim, waiting for someone else to make you feel better?
4. Once you understand what you are doing to cause your distress, then you need to ask “What would be the loving action for myself?” You are asking this question of your highest self, or of your spiritual guidance if you are connected with a source of guidance. If you open to learning about what is loving, ideas will pop into your mind.
5. Now you need to take the loving action on your own behalf - complete a task, stand up for yourself and speak your truth with someone, and so on.
6. Re-evaluate how you are feeling. Are you feeling more peaceful and more powerful? You will feel more peaceful if you have taken the loving action. If you are not feeling better, don’t just turn back to your addictions. Look for another loving action until you find what really makes you feel safe on a deep level, not just the temporary pacification of an addiction.
You will find your addictions fading away as you learn to take loving care of yourself.
Word Count:
740
Summary:
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?
Keywords:
addictions, addictives, self improvement, coaching, bad habit
Article Body:
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?
* Angie would surf the channels whenever she felt stressed or alone.
* Karen would lose herself in a book when things felt overwhelming.
* Keith would retreat and meditate when his wife wanted to talk.
* Patty’s work schedule left her little time at home.
* Carl spent more time in the garage fixing things than with his family.
* Patrick’s love of running was interfering with his family time.
Whether or not an activity is an addiction depends upon your INTENT.
* When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of aloneness and loneliness, it is an addiction.
* When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of rejection or the fear of domination, it is an addiction.
* When the intent of an activity is to put off doing something you don’t really want to do but need to do, it is an addiction.
Whenever an activity is used as a way to avoid something - painful feelings, difficult or boring tasks - it becomes an addiction. It’s really no different than using substances such alcohol, drugs, or food to avoid painful feelings or challenging tasks. The problem with using addictions to avoid painful feelings is that the feelings don’t actually go away. They are just numbed for the moment but are silently eroding one’s sense of self. We can get away with it only for so long before it shows up in some way - illness, divorce, depression, and so on. And avoiding tasks means that the tasks pile up, eventually causing the very stress we want to avoid. Our society is filled with ways to avoid. Yet it is avoidance that leads to the very feelings we are striving to avoid!
When the intent of an activity is to take loving care of yourself by providing yourself with fun, creativity and expression, relaxation, personal growth, spiritual growth, physical health and well-being, then it is a loving action rather than an addiction. It all depends on your INTENT.
Next time you want to participate in your favorite activity, you might want to notice your intent. Do you want to relax and watch TV or are you avoiding some difficult feeling or task? Do you find yourself scheduling more work than you can really handle to avoid dealing with aloneness, loneliness, or conflict with a mate, or are you really loving your work and feeling fulfilled by it? Are you exercising to support your health or to avoid feelings?
Once you become aware of using an activity to avoid, here’s what you can do about it:
1. Welcome the feeling you are trying so hard to avoid. Pay attention to the feeling - fear, loneliness, aloneness, agitation, boredom, anxiety.
2. Make a decision to learn what YOU might be doing to cause this feeling rather than continuing to avoid it.
3. Explore what you might be doing to cause this feeling. How are you not taking care of yourself that is causing your painful feeling? Are you procrastinating, judging yourself, or not standing up for yourself in conflict? How are you avoiding responsibility for your own well-being? Are you allowing yourself to be a victim, waiting for someone else to make you feel better?
4. Once you understand what you are doing to cause your distress, then you need to ask “What would be the loving action for myself?” You are asking this question of your highest self, or of your spiritual guidance if you are connected with a source of guidance. If you open to learning about what is loving, ideas will pop into your mind.
5. Now you need to take the loving action on your own behalf - complete a task, stand up for yourself and speak your truth with someone, and so on.
6. Re-evaluate how you are feeling. Are you feeling more peaceful and more powerful? You will feel more peaceful if you have taken the loving action. If you are not feeling better, don’t just turn back to your addictions. Look for another loving action until you find what really makes you feel safe on a deep level, not just the temporary pacification of an addiction.
You will find your addictions fading away as you learn to take loving care of yourself.
Are You Addicted to Anger?
Are You Addicted to Anger?
Word Count:
802
Summary:
Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.
Keywords:
anger, behavior, attitude, self help, self improvement, anger management, coaching
Article Body:
Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.
Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn’t want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.
As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.
“Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the anger.”
“What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?”
“I guess I felt pretty much alone.”
“You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening.”
“Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn’t wait to get bigger so I wouldn’t feel so helpless.”
“What triggers that helpless feeling now?”
“Humm…I guess it’s when my wife and kids don’t do what I want them to do or what I think they should do.”
“So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?”
“I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why should I feel helpless? It’s an awful feeling.
“Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You couldn’t just leave and go live with someone else. You couldn’t walk away without further punishment. However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation that doesn’t feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your family. You didn’t have any of these options as a child. But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger is the way you’ve learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your helplessness over others - over what they choose to do and who they choose to be.”
Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt to control.
It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself - how to embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became more accepting of other’s feelings and needs. As a result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually diminished.
In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.
Word Count:
802
Summary:
Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.
Keywords:
anger, behavior, attitude, self help, self improvement, anger management, coaching
Article Body:
Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.
Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn’t want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.
As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.
“Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the anger.”
“What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?”
“I guess I felt pretty much alone.”
“You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening.”
“Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn’t wait to get bigger so I wouldn’t feel so helpless.”
“What triggers that helpless feeling now?”
“Humm…I guess it’s when my wife and kids don’t do what I want them to do or what I think they should do.”
“So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?”
“I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why should I feel helpless? It’s an awful feeling.
“Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You couldn’t just leave and go live with someone else. You couldn’t walk away without further punishment. However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation that doesn’t feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your family. You didn’t have any of these options as a child. But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger is the way you’ve learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your helplessness over others - over what they choose to do and who they choose to be.”
Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt to control.
It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself - how to embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became more accepting of other’s feelings and needs. As a result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually diminished.
In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.
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